THE FUN PAGE

FAMOUS GOSSIPS AND INSULTS AGAINST FAMOUS WOMEN 

From the Desk of Maximillien de Lafayette and Hillary Crawford . From the Brain Candy Series.

"I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. " Walter Matthau  talking to Barbra Streisand. About Nancy Reagan: "A senescent bimbo with a lust for home furnishings." Barbara Ehrenreich. About Margaret Thatcher: "Attila the Hen." Clement Freud. About Princess Margaret: "She looked like a huge ball of fur on two well-developed legs." Nancy Mitford.  About Queen Victoria: "Nowadays a parlor maid as ignorant as Queen Victoria was when she came to the throne would be classed as mentally defective."  George Bernard Shaw. About Dorothy Kilgallen: "She must use Novocain lipstick." Jack Paar. About Sarah Ferguson: The Dutchess of York: "She is a lady short on looks, absolutely deprived of any dress sense, has a figure like a Jurassic monster . . . very greedy when it comes to loot, no tact and wants to upstage everyone else." Sir Nicholas Fairbairn . About Hedda Hopper: "Timid? As timid as a buzz saw." George Ells. About Clare Booth Luce: "No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment." Clifton Fadiman. About Judy Garland: "I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well." Joan Crawford. About Tina Turner: "All legs and hair with a mouth that could swallow the whole stadium and the hot-dog stand. Laura Lee Davies. About Gertrude Stein: "In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear."  Gore Vidal. " She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly."  Clifton Fadiman. About Virginia Woolf: "Virginia Woolf's writing is no more than glamorous knitting. I believe she must have a pattern somewhere." Dame Edith Sitwell . About Theda Bara: "She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent." Bette Davis. About Dame Edith Evans: "She looks like something that would eat its young."  Dorothy Parker. 

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Slip italien couleur 'Cristal'. Devant en voile et dos en dentelle. Noeud en galon panthère ajustable au creux des reins.

About Yoko Ono: " If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog." Joan Rivers. "Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." Ralph Novak. About Barbra Streisand: "A cross between an aardvark and an albino rat." John Simon. About Helen Reddy: "She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra." Bette Midler. About Madonna: "Armed with a wiggle and a Minnie Mouse squawk, she is coarse and charmless." Sheila Johnson. " She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit." Joan Rivers . " I look at my friendship with her as like having a gall stone. You deal with it, there is pain, and then you pass it. That's all I have to say about Schmadonna."  Sandra Bernhard. "She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else." Morrissey. " Not in this lifetime. Why? Because I'm the only one she hasn't done it to." Sharon Stone. About Zsa Zsa Gabor: "She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age. She not only worships the golden calf, she barbecues it for lunch. The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it." Oscar Levant . "You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers." Bob Hope. "Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face." Henny Youngman. About Katherine Hepburn: "She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day." Cecil Beaton.  "She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B." Dorothy Parker. About Elizabeth Taylor: "Elizabeth Taylor looks like two small boys fighting underneath a thick blanket. " Mr. Blackwell. "Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. " Joan Rivers. "Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time. Michael Todd. About Marilyn Monroe: "Her body has gone to her head." Barbara Stanwyck.  "She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese." Billy Wilder. "She's a vacuum with nipples." Otto Preminger.  About Edith Sitwell: "Isn't she a poisonous thing of a woman, lying, concealing, flipping, plagiarizing, misquoting, and being as clever a crooked literary publicist as ever." Dylan Thomas. "I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts, otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. " Noel Coward. About Lauren Bacall: "Her hair lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel."  Henry Allen.  About Marlene Dietrich:  "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness. " David Shipman.  About Brigitte Bardot:  "A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent. " Mr. Blackwell. About Ingrid Bergman: "She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them. " John Gielgud. About Drew Barrymore: " She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day." Camille Paglia. About Joan Collins: "She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater. " Louella Parsons. "About Sarah Bernhart: "A great actress, from the waist down. " Dame Margaret Kendal. About Joan Crawford:  "Joan always cries a lot. Her tear ducts must be close to her bladder." Bette Davis.

About Lolita Davidovich: "A kind of cross between Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson. " Jeremy Novick.  About Bo Derek: "She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines." Joan Rivers. About Isadora Duncan: "A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it." George Bernard Shaw. About Shelley Duvall: "The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli. " John Simon. About Farrah Fawcett:  "Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No, it's the hair."  Tom Shales.  About Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra, former husband of Ava Gardner: "Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!  Ava Gardner. About Jayne Mansfield: " Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater. Bette Davis. About Sharon Stone:  "It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs. Katherine Hepburn. About Brooke Shields: "The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. " Robin Williams. About Loretta Young: "Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it. Bosley Crowther.  About Roseanne Bar: "The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered."  Johnny Carson. " Roseanne Barr is a bowling ball looking for an alley." Mr. Blackwell. About Phyllis Diller: "I treasure every moment that I do not see her."  Oscar Levant. About Joan Rivers: "When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart." Stewart Klein.

About Lillian Hellman: "Every word she writes is a lie, including (and) and (the)." Mary McCarthy.  About Molly Ivins: "She bellies up to the gourmet cracker-barrel and delivers laid-back wisdom with the serenity of a down-home Buddha who has discovered that stool softeners really work." Florence King. About Dorothy Parker: "To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar." John Mason Brown. About Louisa May Alcott: "She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen. Odell Shepherd. About George Elliot, pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans: "George Eliot has the heart of Sappho; but the face, with the long proboscis, the protruding teeth of the Apocalyptic horse, betrayed animality." George Meredith. "A fungus of pendulous shape." Alice James.